All on the same wave ;)

I love my friends. Every last one of them contribute so much to my life.

I need Jenelia, she has no idea how much I need her. I'm so dependent on her to tell me when I'm right and wrong, to reassure me that everything is going to be okay, to tell me she needs me as much as I need her because I could not see us apart.

Despite the fact that things have been a little rocky and we are just starting to get back on track, I never lost my love for Diana. She does things, or has done things that I don't like. But something about her overpowers her flaws and I love her regaurdless<3

Roman is a complete pain in the ass. We argue every five minutes. Most of the time he starts it and sometimes I do. But at the end of the day I'll text him or he'll text me to say I Love You.

And last but not least, Daddy SD^. I don't know how to even explain our friendship. It started with one phone call that lasted four hours and after that we were just inseperable. Sebastian, I love you too much to explain in words. All I can say is that like I have always been, I'm by your side through anything. And trust me, that anything has occured one too many times.

Oh and to Ryan and Stephanie, there is not one day that I don't think about the both of you and don't start laughing my ass off<3

Pouring out of me

I have to live with the fact that I may never know why or how. The What If's occur now and then and I have to push them out of my mind. What If. What If. What If. Then there is the Why and why, why, why? Playing over and it never gets tired. How? How can I think this way, never allowing my self to go a day with out thinking of you, your lies, whether they were intentional or not and our friendship, and my doubts, my pain, my hows, my whys, and my what ifs.



Let go before your lows consume your highs. I'm trying, I need time. But I'll forget like how I forgave, slowly but surely.

9/22/09
I know I posted this blog earlier this week, but I would like to add on to it.
I don't enjoy thinking this way. I hate it actually, this part of me that can't seem to let go. To get over what is already done. And to add on to it, I make things a lot worse in my mind. This doesn't make sense, not one bit to anyone other then myself. But this is my blog right? So, I can write what ever I feel like, even if you don't understand. It's like something is missing. A huge piece. I tried to figure out what it is but it's got the best of me. It's like I'm thinking back to every moment in my life and I realize how my best has never been enough for anyone. They always want more until I'm sucked dry with nothing left for my self. Get it? It's not you, or her, or him, or the person behind you. It's me, but I'm contridicting myself, I do it all the time. And I can't seem to fulfill my own expectations and standards, you can forget about anyone else's.

Mind Block

Things that I used to find entertaining no longer amuse me. I feel like I'm grower up much faster then I planned to. Social me is no longer outgoing, a lot nicer, but quiet. I don't like quiet. I want things to be just right this year, good grades, zero stress, and more good grades. I'm trying to make things perfect by minimizing my social life. I'm sucking the life out of myself, out of everything. I haven't even laughed so hard that I cried in awhile. I need sometime away from myself.

Anyway, I notcied something today. Well, I've always known this but today it really hit me. I realized how beautiful my mother's laugh is. I know that sounds weird but after I hear it once, I kind of crave for more. It's those straight from the gut kind of laughs, the one that makes you want to laugh. Her smile is awesome too, a full on smile. All teeth, and eyes so squinty that you can't tell if they are open, like mine. It's nice to see my mother smile, to hear her laugh. She deserves the world, to be happy if only for that one second. It's not enough though, I know that. With all the she has endured, she still manages to be the best mother I know, even if I don't appreciate it at that exact moment.

And to whom it may concern,
You are beautiful, smart, and the sweetest person I have ever met. Everything about you seems so sincere, don't let anyone steal that from you. No matter how much you may think that person means to you. I can see you regaining the color back in your face, your smile actually seems real. It kills me to see you suffer but you have to take control of your life. Your heart isn't telling you that you are happy, your brain is trying to convince it that it is. You're hurting, it's written all over your face and I'm not even in the position to tell you. But I don't know how much longer you can take of this abuse and I don't know how much longer I can take of watching you die slowly. I hope that this is enough but who am I kidding, I know it's not. I just hope that you realize that you deserve someone who adores you.

Goodnight.

Buzz kill

It really, truely saddens me when I see beautiful, smart, young women play themselves with shitty low lives. Everyone has this interpretation that all men are full of bullshit, when in fact these little girls are the one to blame for their own misery. You put yourself through hell trying to compete with his everyday life. If he was that "into you", he would make it clear from the start that you are his first priority. Don't expect him to drop his whole life in a second because you're so insecure that you need his undivided attention at all times. The whole clingy act is starting to get real old and I can't put this in nicer words because it should be clear to you. You deserve much better then what you are recieving but it's up to you to make that change. I'm sick and tired of hearing girls talking about how their boyfriends are complete assholes but they know that they'll change some day. That's bullshit and you know it. How can you stand being mistreated when all you have done was shown him that you care. It has to be consistent, if he says he loves you one day and the next he's talking to you like you aren't important, cheating, lying, then it's not real. It's obvious that you do not share mutual feelings, and if your feelings aren't important to him then why are you sacrificing your own to keep him satisfied?

Is it really worth it?

ROAST

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhg8Vk8DOg04oZH32r

GUCCI

This weekend could not have gone any better.
We went to Canobie Lake Park (me, Jenelia, Ms.Gwen-Jenelia's Momma, Diana, and Nicio)
It was AWESOME! I never laughed so damn hard and screamed so much in my life.
I rode my first rollercoaster ride ='D I kept yelling GUCCI! the whole ride and Diana was throwing up that WP^ Lmaoo. We was straight chillinggggg ;)
We got back in Prov around 11 and slept over Jenelia's house. I was being od corny yesterday. Everything that was coming out my mouth was dry as hell, but it's all hood, gucci.
Anyway, I just got home from having lunch with Jenelia, her mom, Nicio, and Didi. We went to this Mexican resturaunt in Manton called Chilangos. I recommend their chips and dip 'cause we beasted on them lmao.
We took some pictures but Jenelia has them in her phone, so I'll wait 'til she sends them to me and I'll post them up.


Watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCMjJqVBm2g

Running Water

Yesterday was an interesting day.
Roman picked me and Sebastian up and we went shopping at emerald square mall.
We had fun looking around and buying shit we don't need. Well, stuff I didn't need. Like a 55$ bookbag, but it was cute. I convinced Sebastian into buying this really awesome button up shirt and this nice grey jacket, I was so proud, he looked so handsome =']
We went into spencer's gifts and played with whips, lmaoo. Sounds dirty, I know ;)
I whipped Sebastian on his forearm and he's all scratched up.

Now he can go around telling people that I'm his Daddy :)
After the mall we went to a million of other places, including the beach. We sat on the rocks and just hung out like 'old times'.

Today on the other hand was horrible. I felt so out my element in my own school. All the communities are all mixed up and I barely get to see my old leadership friends. I hated it. I didn't talk to anyone, Sebastian didn't even show up to gym to save me from my misery. Asshole. I sat alone at lunch, I sat alone in class, and I couldn't wait 'til the day was over.
After school I treated my cousin Danny to some Antonio's pizza, went to pias/hlth&sci to pick up Jenelia and my sister. We walked Preggie (Genesis) to Tiffany's house and went back to Jenelia's to laugh our asses off.

I try not to bum myself out but it's kind of hard not to when you just want to lock yourself in a room and sulk all day. I don't have Roman to look forward to everyday anymore and I never realized how much I would miss him 'til now. I feel like I have to start all over again and build relationships with people that I don't want anything to do with, and I'm usually a people person. Sort of. I want to get a job because I miss the feeling of making my own money and the responsibility. I don't know man. Today was an early release day, meaning I still haven't had all my classes. Maybe it won't suck as much as it did today. Hopefully. And now I'm constantly thinking about stuff (someone) that I just want to shake out of my head. I can't believe I'm already stressing my self out. W/E I'm going to fill out some job apps and go to bed.

Oh, Jenelia, Karl, and I all gave eachother 'Native American' names.

Goodnight. oh, and good luck tomorrow, Marchanthony. My awesome little football player booger is playing =]